If You Knew
by Aranea
Summary: First part is Vegeta to Goku; second part is vice versa. Shounen ai.


You think my hatred runs too deep for you. You could never imagine how I could feel any differently towards you. In fact, I never thought it to be possible myself. But no matter how hard I try, I can't simply lock it up in a dark corner of my mind and throw away the key. Then again, what does the mind know? My feelings inhabit my soul, something I constantly try to shut out. My heart, cursed thing, compels me to tell you, but my mind says otherwise. It believes you won't understand, you won't return the feelings, you won't see me in the same light again. I can't allow it; I _won't_ allow it.

Still, I can't help but wonder if you could possibly feel the same way, even just a bit. I've realised that your heart is so large that it could fit the love of a million people in it, if not more. Yet a few people have a _special_ love for you, one that you give back to them all. Sometimes I think I am truly selfish, ever thinking of myself in all matters. As clichéd as it sounds, all I want is to love you and be loved by you in return. Is that really being selfish? Bah. Who am I to say? I wouldn't know what isn't selfish if it kicked me in the ass.

That's all I've ever known. I've never had feelings for anyone else but myself. I'm number one. I'm destined for greatness. I'm the one everyone should love and obey. What angers me the most is that no one really loves me, and none would ever obey me. It's the biggest blow to my ego that could ever exist. Everyone loves someone else. Everyone loves you. It's obvious why they would. You're not an egocentric and prideful monster who's wanted nothing more than to be supreme ruler of the universe and have all creatures obey every whim imaginable. You're simply a chump who happens to be good friends with many, kind to all, and absolutely selfless. Why wouldn't anyone love you?

As benevolent as you are, Kakkarot, I can't divulge a single thing to you. As caring as you are, Kakkarot, no one could ever truly care about me. As close as our rivalry as brought us, Kakkarot, we'll never be close enough to satisfy me. But, for a split second of everyday, I'm almost convinced that...

…_if you knew, you'd understand._

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* * *

_

This is wrong. This is all wrong. My head keeps telling me those same things over and over again. I was never one to truly think with my mind in most situations. My heart always got me through everything. Now I'm starting to doubt it. Why would my heart and head clash so much on this? I'm not a master of logic, as anyone can tell, but I've figured that my head should win this battle. My heart must be wrong…Can it be wrong for the first time? Is it possible for this infallible thing to have failed me?

Maybe I'm the one who's failing it. I don't see why I should follow my head now. I feel as if that's the opposite of what I should be doing. But I can't do anything about it. What's worse is that I have no one to talk to about it now. Time has passed, relationships have changed, and as much as I'm still close to a few, I can't bare to tell them anything. What would they think of me? No amount of talking can help me.

I'm supposed to be the hero. I should be brave and have all the initiative in the world. I'm expected to have some sort of plan and follow through with it. I'm the one who'll be getting someone out of a rut and saving the day. What happens when the hero needs saving? Who could offer the aid a hero can't supply for himself? Who's the hero now?

Besides, what's the use in screwing up what we already have now. Sure, it's a rivalry that has been somewhat twisted into an unnatural friendship, but who's to judge? I often wonder if you ever think about what we have, and I always end up doubting that you'll even consider the thought of being with someone like me…It's a pipe dream, and that's all it'll ever be. It's even more complicated due to marriages and children…You'd laugh at how hopeless I feel this is.

…But I've also seen the growth of a bond between us, something that can't be readily broken. I don't know exactly what it is or what to call it, but it's there. Maybe you already know all this. Maybe you're sparing me the embarrassment. Maybe you're actually thinking about it. In any case, I think…

…_if you knew, you'd understand._


End file.
